The last attempt…

I am trying to write a novel…yes…and following is the first chapter of my novel…
(It is a bit dark as may seem to you but does not reflect my present mood by any chance)
Also, the novel is still untitled and “The last attempt” is actually the name of the first chapter.

Now that I have done it all….or as I perceive; since I have enjoyed what I always wanted to taste….at least; I want to end it, once and for all; exterminate it before it decays by itself, helping it escaping a painful exit…Life, they say, has a meaning; it stays as long as it means to, after that, it has to leave…forever… Perhaps the time has come for me….

There is nothing left in my pockets. Ten thousand bucks….three days: Not a bad bargain by any chance. Last night was a heaven….much better than I had ever imagined. I have finally done it; I now leave… for the better of it. But just before I leave, I change what I used to think, or rather, what I was impelled to think: Life is just a bigger version of snake and ladders– you throw a six headed dice and move as many squares as represented on the top of the dice.

The head of a snake: go down to the square touching its tail.
The bottom of a ladder: go up to its top.

In real life you can view it in as many ways as you desire. You throw a dice as you make a decision and it decides where you go. We never know the consequences of decisions we make. Earlier I used to think that this throwing of dice, even if arbit in nature, depends on some control from our side….may be the art of throwing it….deceiving the opponent…. Some share, I used to argue, has to be there from the puppet’s side–it supports common sense to think things that way….

But, now, I think differently: our life, perhaps, has been laid out already….in precise details; the next number on the dice has already been decided, beforehand, perhaps much before we started the game. Probability is an illusion, just to make us believe that we are important…

It is early morning and I am on my way to…I don’t know. How can I? Last night, I was in a five star hotel, in a five star suite, lying on a five star bed, just after a five star bath in a five star bathroom and well ….over a five star prostitute….

Sex, they say, is pure; Sex, they say, is a sin; fuck them off. Sex, I now know, is bliss, the freedom from the shackles enslaving you to life….life, which I hate more than even dependence. It was fun all the way–the last night, the first and the last, by all means, planned and executed, in the most sublime of ways…..

There is chaos in the city. People are frantic. Police on guard. Even politicians are out of bed. But I am walking, nonchalant, down the marine drive….alone. Last night was a wonderful opportunity though, I could have done it the victim way….or the perhaps, the martyr…. but luck has haunted me throughout my life, how could it leave me alone during death. But no more contempt now, I have an entire ocean in front of me….

I take a boat, free it from the anchor holding it, aboard it and start with all by myself. A gale is flowing in opposite direction, not unexpected by any means, but I know—I shall win this time. The sea lies in the front–vast, wide, long and deep….ready to engulf the whole of me. But I wait, the death may be too inconspicuous an accident if it happens so very near the shore; I wait till I get little bit more deep, just as luck got into my life. I want it to be simple, painless affair. I definitely don’t want a fuss out there; I don’t want my parents to know. How many parents would want to know that their son died seven days after they thought he had died? To know that he lived seven days more than they thought he had lived? Or, to think they could have prevented it from happening?….

Suicide is the permanent solution of some temporary problem – my father used to argue; then what is the permanent solution to a permanent problem? I ask. Only meek suffer from the delusions of suicide—my mother used to say; then I am…. They must be crying out loud, now; wailing over the death of their eldest son; but with no dead body to put fire to….just a paper, kept over the laptop, with these words: I leave….for good….

I never wanted an end like that; I too used to be a good boy…. once upon a time. But time had its own wish; you can’t do anything when it is something against something planned by time. May be my end is part of that something. May be it had to happen this way. May be I should have died the same instant when I got double pneumonia….six months into life. May be its too late now, to recognize the mistakes I committed and try repairing them. May be its too deep into the ocean and I should….do the thing…

I swore loudly to someone called God and plunged my decaying self into saline waters…..And my entire life started swimming in front of my dazed eyes….May be—this sensation prevails ….– before you finally leave this world….

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This entry was posted in Emotions, hopelessness, Opinion, Philosophical, sad and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

75 Responses to The last attempt…

  1. Harini says:

    I liked it and I think you should continue with it :).

  2. rimz says:

    I definitely feel and think u shud continue wid ur novel….

    I was soo engrossed in d piese, wen it ended actually,i realised it ended , but it left me all the more curious…and eager to know more(dts mst important in a novel, i think).
    I liked the whole of it….though fr me d bst line was: "Probability is an illusion, just to make us believe that we are important…" .

    Send me cmplimentary copy wen u publish it…:P or else no matter, i'll buy it..:)

  3. rimz says:

    I definitely feel and think u shud continue wid ur novel….

    I was soo engrossed in d piese, wen it ended actually,i realised it ended , but it left me all the more curious…and eager to know more(dts mst important in a novel, i think).
    I liked the whole of it….though fr me d bst line was: "Probability is an illusion, just to make us believe that we are important…" .

    Send me cmplimentary copy wen u publish it…:P or else no matter, i'll buy it..:)

  4. Aditya says:

    You have written brilliantly.

    But do not make this mistake again-Dont ever ask your readers whether to continue or not! Always write for YOURSELF and write the way you love it. Not the way your reader might like..Because like in cinema-commercial movies are made for the audience and realistic movies are made for themselves and those realistic movies which are commercially Hit, are the real success stories.

    SO write for yourself and then yo are 3/4th job done 🙂

    So5rry for posting this huge comment which is no way related to the post.. But as a friend and fellow blogger , I have read many of your posts and so i took this liberty to say this. Cheers 🙂

  5. RSV says:

    @Harini
    thanks Harini for your encouragement…

  6. RSV says:

    @Rimz..
    I don't know rimz whether I would be able to finish this novel but I will definitely send you a copy before publishing it to get it properly edited and previewed..
    I suppose u will help me…
    will you??

  7. RSV says:

    @Adi(can I call you Adi)
    I completely understood what you want to say..
    I think I have done the needful now…

  8. Sid 'Ravan' Kabe says:

    hey awesome.. its working now…and U know the post title is wrong…

    it should b 'The best attempt'!!!

    Send me a free signed copy of your book!!!

  9. RSV says:

    I think it will take some time buddy..if it will…
    btw I will send the book to your grandchildren in that case..
    he he…..

  10. Shruti says:

    Yipeee! Relieved from intense debate!
    Ahhh!! Whatta relief!
    I second Sidhu.. It should be named THE BEST ATTEMPT ~ Penned by RSV

    Whoa…look na bro…don't it look cool?
    Autograph please

  11. RSV says:

    yep…intense debate was a sure headache….

    autograph?? he he….
    it looks cool…..par in hindi they say
    dilli door hai….(delhi is still at a distance..)..

  12. Shruti says:

    Bro,u always tell something in hindi and i blink at the monitor for quite sometime then understand the meaning 🙂 Kewl….

    P.S: For all my posts u say, 'What to say' and u aren saying anything!

  13. RSV says:

    @Shruti
    I translated for you this time!!
    see, delhi is still at a distance…

    PS. hey sis..I always say something….you see…
    OK I comment on your post..

  14. mAhEsH KaLaAL says:

    what is the permanent solution to a permanent problem???

    This sentence has impressed me a bunch. It is philosophical, rational, pragmatic, intriguing, logical, emotional and thought provoking…

    The discussion of life with respect to dice is also a mature thought in the world of relativity and illusions….

  15. RSV says:

    @Mahesh

    WELCOME TO MY BLOG..

    you may not believe but I was just going
    through your blog…but that is different…

    philosophical, rational, pragmatic, intriguing, logical, emotional and thought provoking….I am happy that you could clearly make out what I wanted to relay and then expressive in a way much better than I tried…..

    dice example..yes…thanks buddy..

    KEEP VISITING

  16. Vipul Grover says:

    Hey Rahul, a nice start 2 a novel.. Wants the reader 2 read more; to know more.
    However, luking at it critically, I have read a couple of ur stories earlier nd found thm more technically sound.
    Ur strength lies in building up scenes (physical context).. In this story, tht aspect lacked a bit..
    Nonetheless, a gr8 beginning nd i only hop it will keep getting bigger nd bettr. In short, plz continue 🙂

  17. vEnKy says:

    As you said it is a really a dark story. Usually novel starts with the introduction of character in detail. This is where your talent comes in, I know you describe so well. I feel this chapter was too quick for a novel, you need to elucidate more. This way it will make up for a good short story or novella. And i don't how ur gonna take the story bro, if u pull this one off it will sensational. I think the only way to take this forward is the Protagonist ends living despite the efforts he ends up living and the novel would be about the challenges he face.

    And y do u change the template this often buddy

  18. RSV says:

    sir, I think you would agree with me that one should not serve his/her best dish in the first serving itself….that too in a public blog…

  19. Madhu says:

    this one was good..u shud continue writin just as everybody above is mentioning..:)

  20. RSV says:

    @Venky
    I knew somebody will point this out..and i also knew that somebody would be none other than you!!
    well I tell you one thing…I did not provide here some of my paras….the first chapter is longer than what I have posted…

    and about the template thing…well I was trying to get rid of the intense debate thing and for that I had to change my template…

  21. RSV says:

    @Madhu
    WELCOME TO MY BLOG..

    thank you for your encouragement….

  22. Rakesh Vanamali says:

    You should by all means continue your work and further it! And I must say that U have a great template here!

  23. RSV says:

    @RV
    thank you for your encouragement sir….

    and yes the template is good..

  24. Singh Amit says:

    I really loved the way..You create so clear images through words…Indeed you are a great observer.. 🙂 and a wonderful writer… 🙂
    I really loved this post.. 🙂
    "Probability is an illusion, just to make us believe that we are important…" that is a gr8 sentence.. 🙂
    I would say you should continue your novel.. 🙂

    Cheers!!

  25. BK Chowla says:

    Rahul,you are the author.You must write what comes to your heart and mind.Without trying,no one gets success.You must complete your novel.

  26. Shilpa says:

    of course you should continue. and i agree to what Aditya has said.

  27. Shankar says:

    This is really good bro..continue with it…. great going…

    nice template rsv..good one…

  28. BK Chowla says:

    I had posted a comment ,but it seems it got erased along the line.
    In my opinion,you must take instructions from your head and heart.Unless you make an effort,you will not succeed.You must complete.

  29. rashmi says:

    hey,
    its a very nice begining..
    you should definitely continue it…
    🙂

  30. rashmi says:

    hey
    its a very nice begining..
    you should definitely continue it..
    🙂

  31. RSV says:

    @Amit aka Rishu
    I am overwhelmed and encouraged more than anything Rishu..
    thank you..

  32. RSV says:

    @Chowla sir
    thank you very much sir…
    I have definitely try…
    thank you again sir..

  33. RSV says:

    @Shilpa Sharma
    I will keep that in mind..
    thank you..

  34. RSV says:

    @Shankz..
    I am happy that u liked it bro,..

    and yes the template is indeed cool…

  35. RSV says:

    @Chowla sir
    no sir the comment did not get erased
    I have kept comments moderation on…
    thank you for commenting again..

  36. RSV says:

    @Rashmi Chaudhary
    thank you for your encouragement Rashmi….

  37. Shilpa says:

    hey spamming again… looks like your template's a hit man!! kahin nazar hi na lag jaye…ek bar aarti utar hi lo yar 😉

  38. RSV says:

    Om jai jagdish hare..
    swami jai jagdish hare..
    nazar lagaane walon ki aankhon ko
    pal mein andha kare…

    hehe

  39. Mural! says:

    Good that you have mentioned, that this story had nothing with your state of mind! 🙂

    and intrigued by the tags: love? life's like this?? happyness???

    nice narration by the way, waiting for the next chapter….

  40. RSV says:

    @Murali
    in fact I am complete opposite of what you the story might relay…

    tags?intrigued? why?

    and next chapter…dude…the next chapter would be available in the form of a book..

  41. evanescentthoughts says:

    wowwww..you are sooo sweet..thank so much Rahul (for writing such nice words).. thank you thank you.. now back to the post.. lemme read it

  42. RSV says:

    @Avada
    I am honored….

  43. avada Kedavra says:

    aaahhh.. my comments are getting rejected 😦 lemme try again (this is the 10th time)…AWESOME.. one word summary of this post 🙂 just loved the way you have described..I really feel you should go ahead and write the rest of it.. But the title for the chapter isnt good..change it to maybe Best attempt like sid suggested.. and I feel you gave us most of the story in just one chapter..maybe you can make it more abstract so that you reveal the rest in the other chapters.. but I really liked the way you described..

  44. Avada Kedavra says:

    Oh yeah forgot to praise the template.. it's too good.. keep this template..

  45. Guria says:

    Hey! Nice piece of advice Aditya got for you, I second him completely…
    So is this a "publish in pages" novel? If so, I'll tell you one thing, do not use "…" but try use the comma smartly, it adds character and builds the plot.
    It is very well written…
    Saying all this critically, if you don't mind, just because you are too good, and better! 🙂
    Bring on the next chapter! Capturing start! 🙂

  46. rimz says:

    yep definitely i'll help u as much as i can.. plz dont stop writing, go ahead….
    n best wishes in advance for it's sequels also..:)

  47. RSV says:

    @Avada
    most of the story in first chapter..
    well its true and its not true..
    true because u are perhaps too clever to be cheated..
    not true because I have presented some select paras of the original script..

  48. RSV says:

    @Avada
    thank you..
    I also like this template and would keep it for a longer time..

  49. RSV says:

    @Guria
    it is not "publish in pages" in novel, even if it is…
    I won't come with a second chapter in this blog
    A book shall be published if I am successful..

    and now the punctuation problem..yes you are right….".." should not be overused and i am trying to find an alternative to it..

  50. RSV says:

    @rimz
    thanks in advance..
    sequel??

    he he…..

  51. Saad Shaikh says:

    there you've got some serious material Rahul..

    skillful writing.. practicality can be sensed in outright confrontation with reality..

    serious stuff man.. keep writing.. this has made me desperate to check out the nxt part..

    keep it up!

  52. RSV says:

    @Saad
    long time no see buddy…
    but that's understandable from an MBA guy..

    and its not a blog series buddy….I showed just the first chapter of my first ever book…

    thanks for encouraging mr

  53. RSV says:

    sorry…
    mr is me…

  54. Karthik says:

    All the very best, dude! I was wondering when you'd come up with a novel idea. It happened pretty fast, and it's good. I'm happy for you! 🙂

  55. RSV says:

    @Karthik
    thank you very much Karthik…..

  56. Saad Shaikh says:

    and its not a blog series buddy….I showed just the first chapter of my first ever book…

    don't disappoint us bro.. 😐

    or try and post-on excerpts from your book so that we can still enjoy it..

    or better still.. keep updating your blog.. I'm sure a similar essence would be felt in 'em too.. 🙂

    way to go RSV.. 😉

  57. RSV says:

    @Saad
    I know there is a lot of way to go..
    it is just a start..
    and I WON'T stop blogging…
    I am now a blog addict I think…

    thanks for your encouragement
    its great when people of such repertoire and aptitude encourage us..

  58. neeraj says:

    Your blog is interesting. Let the zest for your ongoing work continue… great going rahul

  59. RSV says:

    thank you SIR….
    I am happy…

  60. Lucia Phillips says:

    Stopped by read your blog, great read. Please check mine out as well

    http://warriormomwife25.blogspot.com/

  61. RSV says:

    thank you..
    sure…

  62. Thousif Raza says:

    its good, but it can be strong, its very insightful though….. narration is good, its very simple, thats also a good point, would love to read further… keep em coming ok

    take care and keep writing………..

  63. Being Pramoda... says:

    HI Rahul,

    its very interesting read..u should continue writing it ..and ur narration was cool as well..

    Pls do continue..

    PS: Ur new post is something related to this one or what? i could not get the matter out of it..:(

  64. RSV says:

    @Thousif
    I will keep your advice in mind and try to make a lil bit strong…
    thaks buddy!!

  65. RSV says:

    @Pramoda
    thanks for your encouragement, Prams(can I call u Prams?)..
    and don't worry if you didn't get the whole of my new post…Its a little bit too dark..

  66. kasabiangirl says:

    Sounds interesting…please continue writing and would love to read the excerpts. Your template looks great! 🙂

  67. RSV says:

    @thanks for the encouragement KB…
    Oh, yes the template is fresh!!

  68. Shankar says:

    hey congrats bro.. for tangy tuesday pick….. u rock bro…

  69. RSV says:

    @Shankz
    thanks you very much…

  70. Shilpa says:

    congrats for tangy tuesday 🙂

  71. RSV says:

    @Shilpa
    thank you very much 😉

  72. Singh Amit says:

    Congrats for Tangy Tuesday Pick , Rahul… 🙂
    Cheers!!

  73. RSV says:

    @Thanks Amit
    🙂

  74. Rajlakshmi says:

    quite intruguing write… you should definately continue with it… and congratz on the pick 🙂

  75. RSV says:

    @Rajlakshmi
    welcome to my blog RL(may I?)

    yes it is quite intriguing in the beginning..

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