Musings of [(a)n] [a(theist)]

I am sorry. I have to do it. I know….at times its strange….but things should be done with as soon as possible. Sometimes we think too much. Is it not? This post is not for those who are always in a funny-go-lucky mood. I warn you. Before hand. And this one is longer too. Three days back I read Alchemist. The book that had been avoided by my lazy self for centuries. Brilliant. Is the word which should not be ascribed to it, I think. For the last three days I have been doing the same thing which I specialize at. Contemplating……

There is something. One ‘O’ short of GOOD. It is the one called supreme. I don’t use ‘He’. I am confused. Is It ‘He’ or ‘She’? They say It is ‘He’. But when I think of ‘It’, my mother comes in front of me. So………….

Let me be naked. I am a mind. So who is God? Does It actually exist? If so, where is It? What is Its gender? People say It is heart. But I know the heart is ‘mindless’. It houses love. But then it also suffers from hatred, from jealousy and from anger. People say It lives in the heart. But why does It allow such satanic rumblings to remain in the heart, near it?

Let me elucidate. I don’t believe in God. I haven’t seen him, that’s why I don’t believe….is rather a weak argument which I detest to propose. As a matter of fact, I don’t propose anything at all. For I am confirmed that our world is nothing but an agglomeration of some queer probabilities. Some strange but, yes, praiseworthy gambits occurring against some stranger laws. I don’t believe in anything except self. I am a nut-shaped mesh of neurotic devices which developed itself through ages by some sheer probabilities. Mark it. I don’t use the word LUCK. Because I don’t believe in it. I believe only in probabilities……………..

I am an atheist……….

Some queer things happened. One after the other. I couldn’t digest them completely. They were really fast. I saw my heart. It was wailing. Crying like anything. I tried to console him. ‘Don’t worry: it is just one of those probabilities. What is the purpose of behaving like this? But it continued.’ It argued that it was the reason of that ‘mistake’. ‘It was just a probability.’ I repeated. ‘No, it could have been avoided……’

In the common terminology, I am pragmatic. And the heart emotional. Thus I am happy. I know. Emotions can be dangerous. I am strong. Mightier than heart. And so I rule the body. I take care of its decisions. The heart always tries. He tries to give some rather useless alternatives. But I win. Always. There is spiny. I teach him how to react. Majority is with me……..

Some more ‘queer’ things happened. Really fast. Once again the heart wept. Once again I saw it. But one thing did not happen once again. I didn’t console him. It was not that I was doubtful (even though I was). I just couldn’t do it. The super-computer part of mine was doubtful. It had calculated that the probability of the event was zero. Then why did it happen. It was not suppose to. It was juxtaposing. And it was incomprehensible…..

From then on I couldn’t dream. Restless. Insomniac. Bewildered……. Anger. Frustration. Confusion…….

From then on the heart started consoling me. ‘Don’t worry. Things will get better. Soon.’ ‘May be you should revise your theories.’ ‘I was addlepated. The theories could not be wrong. They had proofs…

And one day this thing happened. This particular thing. For which I was never able to calculate any probability……

(Read slowly……)

A child is laughing. But he doesn’t look like one…… My eyes are closed. But I don’t have any eyes………. He seems mature. Like he has seen life. But then how can I clarify. I am just a mesh…..A coagulation of neurotic cells. I haven’t seen one….. There is peace. I can feel it. At least…… But I am at war……. The child is male. No. It can be a female as well………. A fragrance floats in the air. Like some boats on a calm sea. Mark it. I say boats……….. I look into the eyes of the child. He stops laughing……… The world is at its extreme. There is silence and there is noise. There is neither any noise nor any silence……. As a matter of fact, I can’t feel anything. I am just a point. An infinite point. I can feel it. I doesn’t exist. I is just there. Trying to fade away. From this unknown place. I am scared………. Time passes……. A year. No. perhaps a century. And I am still there……. Looking into the eyes of the child. And the child is doing the same thing….. Smiling……..

‘What happened?’ the heart is curious. ‘Nothing.’ …..’OK’. “I just don’t remember anything. May be it was just a bad dream……..”

I saw the clock. It was 3. Three AM…… I looked around. There was a frameset. And a photo. ‘THANKS….’

Now I am a theist……