Musings of [(a)n] [a(theist)]

I am sorry. I have to do it. I know….at times its strange….but things should be done with as soon as possible. Sometimes we think too much. Is it not? This post is not for those who are always in a funny-go-lucky mood. I warn you. Before hand. And this one is longer too. Three days back I read Alchemist. The book that had been avoided by my lazy self for centuries. Brilliant. Is the word which should not be ascribed to it, I think. For the last three days I have been doing the same thing which I specialize at. Contemplating……

There is something. One ‘O’ short of GOOD. It is the one called supreme. I don’t use ‘He’. I am confused. Is It ‘He’ or ‘She’? They say It is ‘He’. But when I think of ‘It’, my mother comes in front of me. So………….

Let me be naked. I am a mind. So who is God? Does It actually exist? If so, where is It? What is Its gender? People say It is heart. But I know the heart is ‘mindless’. It houses love. But then it also suffers from hatred, from jealousy and from anger. People say It lives in the heart. But why does It allow such satanic rumblings to remain in the heart, near it?

Let me elucidate. I don’t believe in God. I haven’t seen him, that’s why I don’t believe….is rather a weak argument which I detest to propose. As a matter of fact, I don’t propose anything at all. For I am confirmed that our world is nothing but an agglomeration of some queer probabilities. Some strange but, yes, praiseworthy gambits occurring against some stranger laws. I don’t believe in anything except self. I am a nut-shaped mesh of neurotic devices which developed itself through ages by some sheer probabilities. Mark it. I don’t use the word LUCK. Because I don’t believe in it. I believe only in probabilities……………..

I am an atheist……….

Some queer things happened. One after the other. I couldn’t digest them completely. They were really fast. I saw my heart. It was wailing. Crying like anything. I tried to console him. ‘Don’t worry: it is just one of those probabilities. What is the purpose of behaving like this? But it continued.’ It argued that it was the reason of that ‘mistake’. ‘It was just a probability.’ I repeated. ‘No, it could have been avoided……’

In the common terminology, I am pragmatic. And the heart emotional. Thus I am happy. I know. Emotions can be dangerous. I am strong. Mightier than heart. And so I rule the body. I take care of its decisions. The heart always tries. He tries to give some rather useless alternatives. But I win. Always. There is spiny. I teach him how to react. Majority is with me……..

Some more ‘queer’ things happened. Really fast. Once again the heart wept. Once again I saw it. But one thing did not happen once again. I didn’t console him. It was not that I was doubtful (even though I was). I just couldn’t do it. The super-computer part of mine was doubtful. It had calculated that the probability of the event was zero. Then why did it happen. It was not suppose to. It was juxtaposing. And it was incomprehensible…..

From then on I couldn’t dream. Restless. Insomniac. Bewildered……. Anger. Frustration. Confusion…….

From then on the heart started consoling me. ‘Don’t worry. Things will get better. Soon.’ ‘May be you should revise your theories.’ ‘I was addlepated. The theories could not be wrong. They had proofs…

And one day this thing happened. This particular thing. For which I was never able to calculate any probability……

(Read slowly……)

A child is laughing. But he doesn’t look like one…… My eyes are closed. But I don’t have any eyes………. He seems mature. Like he has seen life. But then how can I clarify. I am just a mesh…..A coagulation of neurotic cells. I haven’t seen one….. There is peace. I can feel it. At least…… But I am at war……. The child is male. No. It can be a female as well………. A fragrance floats in the air. Like some boats on a calm sea. Mark it. I say boats……….. I look into the eyes of the child. He stops laughing……… The world is at its extreme. There is silence and there is noise. There is neither any noise nor any silence……. As a matter of fact, I can’t feel anything. I am just a point. An infinite point. I can feel it. I doesn’t exist. I is just there. Trying to fade away. From this unknown place. I am scared………. Time passes……. A year. No. perhaps a century. And I am still there……. Looking into the eyes of the child. And the child is doing the same thing….. Smiling……..

‘What happened?’ the heart is curious. ‘Nothing.’ …..’OK’. “I just don’t remember anything. May be it was just a bad dream……..”

I saw the clock. It was 3. Three AM…… I looked around. There was a frameset. And a photo. ‘THANKS….’

Now I am a theist……

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7 Responses to Musings of [(a)n] [a(theist)]

  1. Amogh says:

    Ok frankly speaking I dint get quiet a lot of it. I guess it should hav ben a bit more lucid. Neway good english. How can neone be fickle enough to so easily change beliefs?

  2. R S says:

    fraaa..nkly speaking, even I couldn't get quite a lot of it!
    I was in a delirium….

    even I am confused why the mind can be so fickle…you know…may be that made me write this post…..strange things make great topics..

  3. Amit... says:

    I'll second Amogh as even didn't get a lot of things. You write good, but I couldn't muster your opinion about the god this time.

    Neways, You are improving like anything.

  4. R S says:

    the child is a highly subjective form of God and depends on time as well…
    the mind saw It because it wanted to 'desperately' see It(the days were not happy)
    God made the world self-sustainable but there remains a single connection and the connection strengthens when 'brains' convert into 'souls'…
    one thing we must have noticed, the feel of God is just like time-travel(you can't feel anything)

  5. Destination : Godhaed says:

    Nicely lost into sth ,keeping imaginary distance!But u say "what is god? he or she".but i would say it is sheer madness to describe the creator of "HE,SHE & IT".You can't be the MIND.you r different from mind and independent.you r not this body.i should say your potency drives your MIND,BODY & INTELLIGENCE.
    "YOU" spreads over the body.you r not what you think u r.About "GOD",i would say it the origin point of you.you have just forgotten being driven by LUST.HE never says you to possess a dustbin in your heart rather IT IS YOUR CHOICE to move in bewilderment.HE just redirects your potency on what u want.
    And onething ,"NOTHING IS THE AGGLOMERATION OF QUEER PROBABILITIES".EVERYTHING IS PREDEFINED.HOW do u believe such a huge cosmic manifestation works 100% perfectly with probability?Now u would say "OUR EXISTING THEORY".I would say this is" IGNORANCE & HUMAN LIMITATION ".
    And u say"I DON'T BELIEVE IN LUCK ,BUT IN PROBABILITIES".I should be frank about this point that LUCK IS THE NEW NAME OF ONE OF THE FUTURE PROBABILITIES.WHEN U GET THE POSSIBILITY WHAT U WANTED ,U ASSIGN IT TO BE THE "LUCK".NO i should not say this because due to our limitation ,we predict.The creator of ours NEVER PREDICTS,HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH US.BUT WE MAD FELLOWS CAN'T MAKE OUT THAT & R LOST CRYING FOR MATERIAL ARTIFACTS.

    Sorry i might have hurt u.but to understand GOD ,U have to reach a particular level.Not that expression resulted by some sparks of contaminated thoughts with hope to display on the canvas of self esteem and pride.sorry,i apologize for using hard words.TO KNOW GOD JUST PRAY "O! GOD I WANT TO KNOW U.HELP ME"LOVE COMES FROM LOVE.NOT THAT CHEATING WILL MAKE U UNDERSTAND THE SUPREME PERSONALITY.

    THANKS FOR THE EFFORT.CARRY ON.

  6. R S says:

    let me be clear(for God's sake)
    this is not a post which describes me…. this is just a transformation which occured to 'general' human
    i had been a theist since I was born..

    only the theist part pertains to my ideas
    and hey man I don't get hurt
    I know, these things are highly sujective

    btw, thanx for telling me(and us) something 'more' useful about GOD…

  7. Destination : Godhaed says:

    Sorry,I don't say anything regarding the specific person .Here "you" represents a human being in quest of GOD.
    Thank you

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